Zachary Gorsuch Presents: A Few Sweet Nothings, Just for You…

I’d like to say that Super Bowl XLII is right around the corner; or that it will be here before you know it. But let’s be honest, the 2-week lull between NFL’s conference championships and THE ultimate sporting event is painful. Albeit not as painful as watching Ladanian “Vader” Tomlinson slouching on the bench, while the Patriots slyly chalked up yet another win. Nonetheless, here are a few pros and cons you should know about the ‘Big Game’ before it arrives (we do have some time).

HISTORY
Pros: You may be witnessing history in the making, as the New England Patriots look to put the finishing touches on what could be the greatest season of all time. The Pat’s dynamic offense is sure to provide some fireworks come (next) Sunday. The weather will be warm and the stage will be set for the first perfect season ever.
Cons: You may be witnessing history in the making, as the New England Patriots look to put the finishing touches on what may be the cheapest display in all of sports (along with the entire steroid era). The Spymasters of the Universe will be sure to aggravate a large number of football fans with yet another tainted, unearned victory. And with the Boston Celtics contending for the top spot in the NBA’s Eastern Conference, the state of Massachusetts is looking at sheer domination in three of the four major American sporting events; which is just awesome…if you’re from Massachusetts.

HALFTIME SHOW
Pros : Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers will be performing in the Super Bowl XLII halftime show. My apologies to those who were hoping to see more Justin Timberlake this year, but these folks can tune into any of the five MTV stations 24 hours a day and watch all the junk they can get their perverted little eyes on. The rest of us will be rockin’ out to great American anthems, like “Free Fallin”.
Cons : There are no cons for the halftime show. It’s freaking Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers!
Side Note: Cons in this section are subject to change in the event that John Mayer makes any type of appearance whatsoever during the broadcast.

COMMERCIALS
Pros: Everybody loves these commercials. Anyone who says otherwise is un-American. And hey, the advertisers have more than enough time to come up with some good ones, so let’s see what you’ve got fellas.
Cons: Unfortunately, these hilarious advertisements will be periodically interrupted by a football game of some kind.
Side Note: While Terrell Owens’ theatrics will be missed, there is still hope for a spot in a Kleenex ad. Let’s k-keep our f-f-fingers crossed (sniff).

CELEBRITIES
Pros: Yes, all the stars will be out for this one, but it’s not exactly like being at a Lakers game. Let’s face it, if you have time to play ‘spot the celeb’ in a crowd that large, there is no way you’re following the game (which is not necessarily a bad thing).
Cons: Okay, I really don’t mind the cameras occasionally showing Jessica Simpson in the stands looking confused, but do we really need to interview celebrities? It’s nice to know who’s rooting for what team, but who cares what Tony Romo has to say about…what’s that? Oh, my bad. It appears as though Mr. Romo is not only a celebrity, but somewhat of a football enthusiast as well. Good for him to have the time for football in the demanding, fast-paced life of stardom.
Side Note: Other celebrities who may be in attendance or watching the game include: Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, Joan Rivers (no relation…that I know of).

YOUR TEAM
Pros: While it’s a good excuse to get together with friends to eat and drink obnoxiously…
Cons: Your team is not playing for the championship. I recognize that this represents the majority of the Super Bowl audience; and even though they say “there’s always next year”, there’s a very good chance that most of us will be caring even less who wins next year’s Super Bowl. So good luck to everyone and your respective teams and be sure to make the best of the bountiful food and drink. Your next self-justified body bender may not come until late November.